September 29, 2023

Life is a lot simpler if you’re getting alongside together with your ex, isn’t it?  No blow-out arguments, no soiled seems, no merciless emails or texts between the 2 of you, and most significantly the children can really feel the peace, which makes their lives simpler. Getting together with the ex means much less stress and anxiousness in everybody’s lives, and makes co-parenting so much easier. So, how do you get alongside together with your ex higher? Let’s discuss ex partner etiquette.

Poor ex partner etiquette, whether or not it’s intentional or unintentional can result in you and/or your partner feeling damage, judged, indignant and even vengeful. Alternatively, good ex partner etiquette hopefully results in a wholesome co-parenting relationship, and a courteous, respectful relationship between the 2 of you, typically.

Listed below are 10 examples of ex partner etiquette, particularly 10 issues you need to NOT say to your ex:


1.    “You’re simply being lazy.”

Right here’s the state of affairs: Your youngsters by no means brush their enamel or floss at dad’s home, and you realize it’s as a result of he’s too drained and lazy to get them to do it. However, calling him lazy received’ t go over effectively. As an alternative, higher etiquette sounds one thing like, “Would you thoughts making an attempt to make extra of an effort with regards to brushing enamel and flossing? It solely takes a couple of minutes and our youngsters can have a lot better enamel. Plus they’ll have much less cavities. Take into consideration how a lot cash we’ll save by not having to pay such excessive dental payments.” Isn’t that higher ex partner etiquette?


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2.    “It’s your fault.”

Nobody needs to listen to that even when it’s true. Nothing good can come from putting blame on another person, and it received’t clear up the issue. All it would do is trigger additional resentment and dislike. As an alternative strive, “Let’s discuss how we are able to repair the issue.”

3.    “You’ll by no means change.”

What’s the level of claiming this to the partner you simply received divorced from? If he/she didn’t change when you had been married, that may have been one of many causes you bought divorced. So, if you realize he/she’s going to by no means change, why even say it? The underside line is, your ex won’t ever change. Assume it however don’t say it. Considering it would reiterate why the divorce was essential, so it’s truly factor and can enable you to preserve good ex partner etiquette.

4.    Don’t use the phrases “psycho” or “psychotic.”

Listed below are two definitions of psycho:  1. An offensive time period for any person who has a psychiatric or persona dysfunction. 2. An offensive time period for behaving in an uncontrolled and unpredictable approach. Throughout divorce, I’ve seen in any other case fully regular folks act like psychos. However, if you happen to inform somebody they’re a psycho and it’ll intensify the conduct much more. Is likely to be higher to say one thing like, “You aren’t being rational proper now. Perhaps simply cool off and let’s discuss tomorrow.


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5.    Something with the phrases “Your mom” in it.

Your ex-mother-in regulation would possibly drive her son nuts, however God forbid you say something remotely derogatory, and immediately you’re the worst particular person on earth. How dare you say something in opposition to the beloved lady who bore him. His response will undoubtedly be, “You had been at all times so imply to her anyway.” Belief me, you possibly can’t win with this one. Depart your ex-mother-in-law fully out of any dialog.

6.    “I don’t get you.”

Proper. That’s why you’re not collectively anymore. No have to drive that residence any longer.

7.    Don’t use the phrase “deadbeat.”

This is likely to be the bottom blow you would ship to your ex. Ex’s  HATE deadbeat dads. Should you name him a deadbeat, he’ll actually hate your guts. Plus, is he actually a deadbeat or are you simply feeling that approach as a result of he refused to pay for one thing, or he doesn’t see the children as a lot as you’d like?

8.    “How’s the bitch?” (referring to his girlfriend)

Do not forget that film, “The Betty Broderick Story?” That’s who you sound like if you consult with his girlfriend in any derogatory approach. I don’t care if she was the rationale you’re divorced. You’ll solely sound like a jealous, bitter, “psycho” –sorry, I do know I advised you to not use that phrase—who has no lifetime of her personal. Once more, you possibly can assume it, and you’ll consult with her that approach to your girlfriends or your sister, however to not anybody else.


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9.   “You by no means did any of this whereas we had been married, so why are you impulsively doing this now?” 

Let’s say that if you had been married, your ex by no means helped with the children, wasn’t a really concerned dad, and by no means actually made an effort to do enjoyable issues with them. Now you’re divorced, and immediately he’s doing stuff with them. The scenario compelled him to grow to be hands-on, and he’s now actually stepped up. As an alternative of asking him why he has modified, take into account how nice that is on your youngsters! Aren’t you THRILLED that he’s stepping up? I do know you would like he would have been this manner when you had been married. It hurts. I get it. However your youngsters are getting the good thing about his consideration proper now, so attempt to admire that.  As an alternative, say one thing like, “No matter our variations, I feel you’re doing an important job.” Not solely will you be saying one thing that’s sort, however he’ll really feel so good and it’ll preserve him going (which is sweet for the children!)

10.   “Thank God I don’t must take care of this anymore.”

Saying this to your ex simply sounds foolish. In fact you don’t must take care of this anymore. You might be divorced. Take a deep breath and say nothing. Really, “Thank God I don’t must take care of this anymore” is an effective factor to say to your self.

The factor about ex partner etiquette is…

There are almost definitely at all times going to be points between you and your ex, and he/she’s going to most likely proceed to do issues that bug you past perception. And, I perceive that there’s nonetheless some resentment that may by no means absolutely go away. However, the way in which you discuss to your ex (similar as the way in which you discuss to your partner) is essential in getting alongside, which is vital in making your youngsters’ lives higher, AND making YOUR life higher.


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I’m going to deliver you again to couples therapy for a minute. Keep in mind how your therapist emphasised again and again the significance of communication, typically, but additionally good, efficient communication?  Therapists underscore repeatedly two issues: one is the worth of listening, and two, they are going to drill into your head the significance of HOW you say issues. So, if one thing is bothering you together with your ex (which everyone knows occurs frequently-otherwise you wouldn’t be getting divorced) assume very fastidiously about how one can deliver it up and what you will say.

The way you say it may make the distinction between fixing the issue or simply making the issue worse.


In closing, there’s one factor you SHOULD say if you wish to get alongside higher together with your ex: THANK YOU. Probably a well mannered thanks for the kid assist examine or a textual content  thanking him for a favor, like selecting up the children sooner or later when you might have plans.

You is likely to be pondering, ‘Why ought to I’ve to thank the mum or dad of my baby for being a mum or dad?’ I get it. And ‘He/she by no means says thanks to me!’ My opinion is, who cares? Thanks goes a great distance. Plus, it’s laborious to be a single mum or dad. It’s laborious for mothers and it’s laborious for dads. It’s a wrestle. So, a thanks would possibly assist somebody get via a tough day and be slightly nicer and extra understanding the subsequent time YOU want one thing. Good ex partner etiquette isn’t at all times simple, however in the long term, it provides everybody–particularly the children, a greater high quality of life.


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Jackie Pilossoph

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Woman Smiling is right here to empower, join and encourage you. Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Woman Smiling, the positioning, the podcast and the app. A former tv journalist and newspaper options reporter, Pilossoph can also be the creator of 4 novels and the author of her weekly relationship column, Love Basically. Pilossoph holds a Masters diploma in journalism and lives in Chicago along with her two youngsters.

The creator of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph additionally writes the weekly courting and relationships recommendation column, “Love Essentially”, revealed within the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune on-line. Moreover, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters diploma in journalism from Boston University.